


Best

by nightrose



Series: Ace Enjolras [2]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Asexuality, Domestic, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, vague mention of consent issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-13
Updated: 2014-06-13
Packaged: 2018-02-04 12:24:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1779010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightrose/pseuds/nightrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enjolras worries his need for a sexless relationship is hurting Grantaire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Best

Enjolras wakes up completely content. He’s curled up on his side, the way he usually sleeps, but cuddled into the incredible, comforting warmth of Grantaire. Grantaire is behind him, spooning him, his arm around Enjolras’ middle. He feels safe, protected, secure.

He shifts a little bit, a ray of morning sun falling onto his face, and takes Grantaire’s hand, raising it to his lips to kiss.

Grantaire hums happily in his sleep.

Enjolras wants to stay here forever, warm and secure in bed with this man, with his Grantaire, knowing he’s safe, knowing Grantaire accepts him.

Chose him, and continues to choose him, every day. Just as he’d promised.

Enjolras relaxes again, closing his eyes. Maybe he’ll drift back off.

Grantaire makes another sound in his sleep, turning a little, and Enjolras freezes. He can feel that Grantaire’s hard, a bulge pressing into Enjolras’ thigh, and suddenly he feels nauseous.

He wants to spring out of bed but he shouldn’t.

He was so safe and comfortable a minute ago and it’s not like it’s Grantaire’s fault. He doesn’t want to make his boyfriend feel rejected or ashamed.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if Enjolras tried touching him. Just with his hands, nothing more, but he knows Grantaire wants that. 

No matter how much Grantaire reassures him that it’s okay, that he’s happier now than he’s ever been before, that he loves Enjolras—

Maybe he could, for Grantaire. 

Grantaire gives him so much, so generously. So much love and openness and devotion. The warmth and safety here in his arms. Patience and kindness and affection. Grantaire gives Enjolras everything he is, willingly, naturally, and Enjolras can’t-

It grates on Grantaire, like Enjolras knew it would. Grantaire is insecure about a lot of things, and his appearance is one of them. It can’t help a man who thinks of himself as unloveable because of his ugliness to have a partner who can’t even bear to touch him.

But the thought makes him feel sick. Not because Grantaire repulses him. He loves Grantaire, and the idea of pleasing him, of making him feel good, is actually quite appealing. But the actual mechanics of doing the act—of touching, of that kind of—

“Ange?” Grantaire murmurs in his ear.

“Good morning,” Enjolras says, hoping Grantaire won’t notice anything’s wrong. Of course, that fails.

Grantaire props himself up on an elbow. “Love, look at me.”

Reluctantly, Enjolras turns over to meet Grantaire’s worried eyes.

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“Uh huh.” Grantaire drops a kiss onto his forehead. “Please don’t lie to me, ange.”

“I’m- you’re-“

“What?”

“You have, a, y’know-“

“Oh. Oh, shit, Enjolras, I’m so sorry.” Grantaire starts to spring out of the bed. “Let me take care of it, I’ll just-“

“No,” Enjolras manages to stay, pulling Grantaire back towards him. “Don’t go. I was thinking. Maybe I could- do that for you.”

Grantaire’s expression is impossible to read as he looks at Enjolras. His voice is small and quiet and Enjolras feels his heart plummetting towards his stomach as Grantaire says, softly, “Have I done something wrong?”

“What?”

“I mean, have I been pressuring you, or have I been less attentive lately, or anything else- have I done something? To make you think you have to offer this?”

Concern. That’s what Grantaire’s expression is. Not want or desire, but worry. “No. No, you’re perfect. I promise.”

“Then why?”

“I- you want me to. Don’t you?”

“That’s a hard question,” Grantaire says. “Do I feel physical desire for you? Of course. And you know I think about you when I get myself off. But do I wish you were different? Do I wish that anything about you would change? No. I don’t. Because you’re perfect for me just the way you are.”

“But I- I feel like I’m demanding that you change.”

Grantaire winces. “I can’t help the fact that I get erections sometimes in the morning. If I could, I would, and if it makes you uncomfortable and you want us to start sleeping on separate beds or something-‘

“No! No, that’s the last thing I want. I only brought it up because- because I want you to be as happy as I am in our relationship. And I feel like it sucks that we can’t compromise on this, that it’s just me getting what I need and nothing for you.”

“Consent isn’t something you just compromise on, Enjolras,” Grantaire says. “These are your own ideas here, and you know it. You know you don’t believe that you owe me sex. And I hope you don’t think I’m such an asshole that I’d pressure you into it just to get off.”

“I just feel like—maybe, if I tried, I could. Plenty of ace people do, you know.”

“That isn’t something I’d want,” Grantaire says, and it’s clearly an effort to keep calm. “I don’t want to sound like I’m judging other people, but for me- I wouldn’t want to have sex with you unless you desired it. Like, really wanted to. I wouldn’t want you hesitating or trying or sacificing something for my sake… and after this, it seems pretty clear that’s what it would be.”

“I’m sorry,” Enjolras says, feeling something like shame well up in his chest for all that he’s usually so much stronger, for all that he would usually never, ever let this feeling control him. Usually he’s so confident in his orientation. He knows he can’t change the fact that he’s ace, and he thought he could stand up for himself, that he was completely over feeling wrong or broken for not wanting this. 

“You haven’t done anything wrong.” Grantaire sighs. “I need a cup of coffee if we’re going to talk about this feelings shit. Come sit with me in the living room?”

“Okay,” Enjolras agrees, his voice quieter than usual. 

Grantaire feels like he ought, probably, to be afraid. After all, Grantaire is a lifelong fuckup, who’s ruined about every thing he’s ever really put his mind to, and Enjolras is the most precious and important person in his life and he’s vulnerable right now, vulnerable and trusting Grantaire with himself. Grantaire ought to fear that he’s going to hurt Enjolras, so strong normally but with no defenses when it comes to this, still scared from his first attempt at love and how cruelly he was left. But Grantaire knows he won’t. He knows that he’ll take care of his Enjolras, that somehow he’ll find the right words and the right things to say. For Enjolras, he’ll be good enough. 

When the coffee is brewed and both of them are holding a mug of it, they sit together on the couch. 

“Can you tell me what brought this up?” Grantaire asks. “Have I done something?”

Enjolras shakes his head. “It’s just that you’ve been such a great partner. And I want to make you as happy as you make me.”

“I’m so happy. I know it might not seem that way, I know I still have my depressive episodes and I wish you didn’t have to deal with them but-“

“No, don’t blame yourself for that. I just- I don’t want you to feel… rejected. Because I don’t want to have sex. I mean, I’m not attracted to you, but it’s because I’m not attracted to anyone, and I know that’s an issue for you. I don’t want you to feel like it’s because you’re unattractive or anything like that.”

“I’m not,” Grantaire says, quietly. “I know I’m not good-looking. But I also know that’s not why you don’t want to sleep w- have sex with me.” He has to be precise and clear. He can’t let Enjolras think anything that isn’t true. If he can’t figure out how to articulate this, if Enjolras goes on thinking he owes Grantaire sex, it could be the end for them. “I accept you. With your orientation the way it is. I’m happy with you, happier than I’ve ever been before in my life, without sex.”

“I think you’re good-looking,” Enjolras says, frowning a little. It’s true. He loves Grantaire’s shining brown eyes and his kind smile and his strong arms and the way the stubble on his jaw feels when he presses sweet kisses to Enjolras’ forehead before they go to bed. “I just don’t, y’know, experience sexual attraction. But I like to look at you.”

Grantaire smiles that beautiful smile. “And I love looking at you. You’re beautiful, and we’re together, and I’m so fucking happy. Do you believe me?”

“I do.” It’s hard to doubt it when Grantaire is lookig at him like this, so gentle and so devoted. “I just- I don’t know. Wouldn’t you be happier-“

“Would you be happier if I were ace?” Grantaire asks, suddenly. “If you didn’t have to worry about this, if I were like you and never experienced attraction? Would that make this a better relationship for you?”

“What? Of course not.”

“So why do you think I wish you were different?”

“Because-“ There’s really only one answer. “Because I guess I’ve—I’ve heard enough times, that I can’t help but start to believe- it’s a gesture of love, to- to be sexual, with your partner. And I never want you to feel unloved.”

“I do feel loved.”

“Is there anything I’m not doing? Anything you want? Please be honest.”

“There are lots of things you could do,” Grantaire says. “You’re a wonderful partner, you are, but I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to work on being just a little more timely for our dates. You say the kindest things sometimes, but sometimes you forget and snap at me and I want you to know how much your words of love mean to me. You could maybe try and sleep in with me one morning a weekend, just relax a little. If you’re looking for ways to be the perfect boyfriend. I’m clingy, I’m needy. I told you all this shit at the start. And I know that’s not how you are and I know you’re trying. Just- y’know. It’s moving in the right direction, and everything.”

“But not-“

“Sex is not something I’m going to ask you for. Or accept from you.” Grantaire takes a deep breath. “Enjolras, how would you feel if I did?”

“What?”

“If I took you up on the offer you keep kind of making. How would you feel about it later? How would you feel about me?”

“I-“ Enjolras hesitates. “I would feel wrong. For having done it. I’d feel- like I’d betrayed something I really believe in. Myself. Like I’d let myself down. But you’re worth it.”

Grantaire gently takes his hand. “Knowing that is enough. More than enough. You saying that- I’m happy, I’m touched, that you care this much. But sex that you don’t have any genuine interest in isn’t- isn’t something you should offer me, because it isn’t something I want.”

Enjolras’ voice is tentative. “Promise?”

“You have my word.” Grantaire squeezes his hand a little bit. 

“You know I trust you.”

“I do.” 

“You’re an amazing boyfriend.”

“And I’m handling this okay?” Grantaire asks. “I don’t know what it’s like to be ace, but I really want to get it right. To be the kind of partner you deserve. Which is an amazing one.”

“You’re doing wonderfully. That wasn’t just a rhetorical question earlier, when you asked if I’d want you to be ace? Becase I wouldn’t. You’re so supportive. Even when I get all turned around in my head like today.”

“I’m just glad I didn’t fuck it up.” The crisis seemingly over, Grantaire is feeling his doubts creep back in. 

“Shit,” Enjolras says, and he doesn’t often swear so Grantaire takes notice. “Shit, Grantaire, forgive me.”

“For what?”

“It’s only been a few months since we got together and I was making you swear you’d never pressure me. Now I’m practically inviting you to. That’s unfair and I apologize.”

Grantaire draws Enjolras’ hand up to his lips, gently kissing the knuckles. “You’re allowed to have insecurities, you know.”

“I know.”

“I’m not going to take you up on the sex thing. Probably under any circumstances.”

“I’m glad.”

“I love you, Enjolras. Kind of a lot.”

“I love you too.”

“You’re usually the one who has to support me, through my depression and everything else. With this, let me stand up for you.”

“If you’re sure you can. I could, I don’t know, talk to someone else about it, when this stuff comes up. You don’t have to be my person for this.”

“I always want to be the one you can come to with your problems. Like you are for me.”

“Thank you. You’re the best partner in the world.” 

Grantaire smiles a little. “I’m going to make us some breakfast.”

“The best,” Enjolras repeats, and Grantaire’s smile turns into a grin, and watching him bounce around the kitchen, humming off-tune under his breath, Enjolras feels as comfortable and safe as he had when he first woke up.


End file.
